thorvalson.net : babble ether

You and Me and Everyone We Know, Including My Kid.

"Mom, have you ever told anybody you loved them? Like, a boyfriend or somethin'?"
"Uh, yes..."
"Really? Who?"
Oh, yes. That's right. Parents don't have those feelings. That would be, like, gross.
"Your dad, Greg..."
"Were you embarrassed a little bit?"
"Maybe the first time I said it, yeah."
"'Cause I was a little embarrassed when I told S. (name withheld to protect the innocent)."
"You told him you love him? What did he say?"
"Nothin'. He just said, 'I know.' I wrote it on the bottom of my pencil pouch. And you know how I used to love M? I still like him, but I don't think I love him any more because, well, it's just that, you know, he's a good kid and all, but he gets so crazy and I'm all like, huuhhhhh." (rolling eyes)

You and Me and Everyone We Know

Getting close to back to school time for me. This whole Spring Break! thing has thrown me for a bit of a loop. The time alone at home has been good - no doubt about that - but I'm having a bit of a hard time being here this much, alone, without studying to do. It's all for the best, and there are a lot of positive things I've enjoyed about it, but it's hard being in this town and bumping into people and hearing things I don't necessarily want to hear regarding my former partner and feeling this sort of internal tug of war. Part of me will always love him and feel obligated to stand up for him. And then there's this other, increasingly louder, part of me that says he's an adult and has to come to terms with himself and who he is as a person before there's any hope of him moving forward in any semblance of an honest direction, and what the fuck business of mine is it anymore, anyway. I'm sorry to get all personal on here - I usually avoid this kind of post - but I'm feeling a bit like a fish out of water and am surprisingly anxious to get back into school. I'm doing my best to move on - I even asked someone out on a date - two different people, actually, one of them female - not so much because I'm ready to move on (I'm not, really), but as an attempt to just get out and be sociable, enjoy the company of another human being without necessarily having the weight of an impending "RELATIONSHIP" waiting in the wings. Which isn't to say I'm looking for one night stands, either. I'm just looking for the old school, I guess. The nice dinner out with someone, maybe a touching of hands and a sweet kiss goodnight - and that's it.
I've been told by a woman far wiser than me (my mother) that the best thing to do when you don't know what to do is to stay put. We tell our children, "If you ever get lost, stay where you are. Don't move." And I am trying my best to do that, but at the same time, stretching my arms out a bit and feeling around for the next direction to go in professionally, personally, sexually, artistically... and trying to just accept where I am right now, wherever I may be or whatever that may mean. There are so many arrows just shooting out of me in so many directions, in so many capacities of my life, and I guess it's just a new juxtaposition, another new chapter, and I'm so fucking scared sometimes and other times not giving a shit at all, just hoping to bump into like-minded people who are happy just being themselves, no matter how flawed, moving forward and struggling and grappling and bouncing and flopping on the sand just like you and me and everyone else who's not too chickenshit to admit it.

Beings, Doing

1st (Incredibly Short) Zoo Trip of 2008!

That would be our friend George, whom Maddie dubbed "Curious" just after this photo was taken.

And this would be the Bucket O' Mud that hath stood on my back porch since November, a not so subtle reminder of this apartment's former inhabitants. It weighs about as much as I do, and as of today, it is slowly migrating its way off my porch toward the alley. Slowly, because I went to the gym today, and although I am fiercely dedicated to Mission: Destroy Impending Mom Butt, the gym excursion was enough for one day. Again, baby steps. Milwaukee's Best. You're kidding, right?

In its place, these, which the lady at Home Depot happily accepted my payment for just before telling me of the expected turn for the worst in Wisconsin weather (big surprise).

This afternoon? Addressing Mission: Destroy Impending Mom Hair. With a new stylist. 'Cause my regular one is moving to Prague. She told me this last Saturday night when I bumped into her at a show, and introduced me to another stylist by saying, "I'm passing you on to her after I'm gone." Let's just hope the outcome of this afternoon's appointment doesn't carry the same aftertaste as that statement.

You Know You're 30 When... Cont'd

3. You spend Spring Break not drinking copious quantities of pink, fruit-flavored rum drinks and having sex with strangers, but reading Oprah's newest Book Club selection. Note to strangers: Not that I would be offended...

It is 1:39 p.m. and I am still in my pajamas. I have not read any nursing books today, nor have I even eaten. I have spent the entire. day. learning Ryan Adams, Gillian Welch, and Cheap Trick songs on guitar. My left wrist is so sore I can hardly type. WHAA-OOOOOOOH!!! SPRING BREAK!! Gonna go to the GYM! Take some VITAMINS! YEAH!

New Series: You Know You're 30 When...

1. Your inner punk rocker is screaming somewhere in the deep cavity of your chest because it's 4:30 in the afternoon and you are watching Celine Dion on Oprah... and enjoying it. Better yet, your seven-year-old turns toward you at frequent intervals to point out that your face is flushed and she wants to know if you're going to cry.

2. You're at a late breakfast with friends you haven't seen in years, and when the conversation turns to late-night infomercials promoting "dongs" (yes, they use that word on television; it was even printed on the screen), you find yourself saying things like, "Can you believe the price of a dildo these days? The mark-up is outrageous. I remember seeing one of those on the shelf at Babes in Toyland in Seattle, and it was $19.95. $24.95 at the most. AND THOSE WERE WEST COAST PRICES."

Incidentally, I ran into several old friends while in Rockford over the weekend, and lo and behold, it turns out that I have friends... two hands full, at least... who still live there... and don't have needles hanging out of their arms.

...and there were celebrations and rejoicing throughout the land.