1. Anyone caught smoking pot in front of my daughter (or sneaking off to smoke it, then returning to her as the "adult in charge," inebriated) will be fined, sentenced to time in prison, or both. Or, less severely, as is the case in my current situation, I will be forced by conscience, as well as the female archetype of Big Ol' Bad Ass Mama Bear within, to limit the amount of time you are allowed to be in her company. I don't think there's a judge in Milwaukee - or anywhere - who will say, "You know, Steph, I really think you should be more lenient on this issue. It's okay for the Supervising Adult to be under the influence while caretaking. Where do you think Puff the Magic Dragon came from? Really, it's cool. Don't sweat it. Illegal, schmillegal. It's pot."
And he thinks I'm being too harsh.
Ooooooohhh......
"I KNOW YOU DI'INT."
The 16-year-old within me is saying, "Wow. You are, like, WAY uncool. You are SO much uncooler than I said you would be."
And 25-year-old, current me is responding, "Yeah, so? You are, like, SO 1994. Kurt Cobain is dead now, honey. Trent Reznor? Johnny Cash gets in to kick his ass just before dying. Henry Rollins? Does SPORTSCASTING for MTV in a few years, you'll see. The Cure, the Buzzcocks, the Dead Kennedys, AND The Cure all sell their music to television commercials. Your little bad ass leather jacket is hanging in the closet, collecting dust. Your friends are all junkies, half-dead already. And you know what else? In ten years, you're gonna have HAIR. Lots of it. Past your shoulders. AND IT'S NOT GOING TO BE PURPLE, EITHER. And you're gonna buy your clothes at Target, and drive a Volvo, and go to college like everyone you hate right now. Yup. You and Laura Gibbs, shopping side by side. For RECIPE BOXES. And FRAMED PICTURES OF CALLALILIES. And FLUSHABLE WIPES. So there. Besides, what're you gonna do? Kick my ass? I have to be at work in an hour. At a BAR. You can't even get INTO the bar."
(side note.....the funny thing is, I just wrote that whole little segment while listening to "Youth Against Fascism" by Sonic Youth, thereby disproving my own 16-year-old theory, which was that people who drive Volvos couldn't possibly listen to cool music.....oh! and now "Nic Fit" is on! and I don't smoke anymore!!!! this is so funny!!!)
2. My steam cleaner has yet to fail me. I woke up at five o'clock this morning to find Maddie barfing all over my bed. After her subsequent bath, I ventured to her bedroom to retrieve clean, non-vomitized clothing, at which time I was greeted with the scent of barf (barf - what a great word). I thought I had eliminated the source of the stench upon removing my bedsheets. However, as I presently discovered, Maddie had also puked all over her bed prior to coming into my room to share.
God, if you exist, please bless Jason Anderson, for lots of reasons, but specifically at this moment, for giving me what is perhaps the most useful birthday gift I have ever received, so that I may sleep on a mattress that does not stink with the smell of stomach acid and congealed milk.