Finally, some relaxation. Just starting to feel normal again after a week of work and completely stressing out. Some people have asked what's up, so just to clarify the situation... I have a friend in Rockford who has been using heroin for the last year. About two months ago, he was put into a 3-day detox program, then released. Upon his release, he started using again, has lost his job, gotten arrested, and been kicked out of his parents' home as well as one of the halfway houses in Rockford. He has cut off communication with everyone who knows him, including his family, he's on heroin, cocaine, and crack this time, and no one knows where he is.
People die. That's just the way it goes, and I accept that. I can accept a person's death. What I cannot accept is this endless suffering. This limitless abandonment of life. The dead men walking. Something has to happen, and nothing is. It just keeps dragging on.
Ten minutes ago, I was sitting on a bed in a red room on Rockton Ave., and Eddie was telling me to go back to school, that he was the only one who made it, who graduated, and he didn't want to be the only one. He said I didn't belong there, that I had to move forward and get out. And I told him that I wanted him to do the same, and we made a promise. We would both go back to school. Me to high school, Eddie to college. And we'd get out.
Where and when did we lose him. I feel guilty for leaving him behind.
He has completely let go. Just a body, suspended. He may break what laws he chooses, but gravity is not one of them. He will fall.
I just want my phone to ring.
"After great pain, a formal feeling comes -
The Nerves sit cermonious, like Tombs -
The stiff Heart questions was it He, that bore,
And Yesterday, or Centuries before?
The Feet, mechanical, go round -
Of Ground, or Air, or Ought -
A Wooden way
Regardless grown,
A Quartz contentment, like a stone -
This is the Hour of Lead -
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow -
First - Chill - then Stupor - then the letting go -"
- Emily Dickinson
"Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no harm; for Thou art with me: Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou hast anointed my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely, goodness and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life..."
- Psalm 22
for Eddie, a Catholic