"They say goldfish have no memory
I guess their lives are much like mine
and the little plastic castle is a surprise every time
And it's hard to say if they're happy
but they don't seem much to mind."
- ani
I don't really have the time to post anything too extravagant or well-written right now; have to leave for Rockford for Maddie's birthday party in a half hour. But I've had some things running through my mind and wanted to get them down. I'll know what they are as soon as my fingers type them. :)
I'm in a really strange juxtaposition right now in terms of my relationship, not in regards to how I feel about him or vice versa, but.... well, we don't know what's going on right now. Are we together? Are we not? What needs to happen in order for this to move forward? The truth is, I don't need any definitive answers to those questions right this moment. If there's anything I know right now, it's that this relationship is a process, one I'm willing to continue, and that the answers will come along in due time.
I had a talk with a close friend the other night after work, and I have to say she pissed me off to some extent. There's a fine line between supporting your friend in times of distress and attacking something or someone she loves. And I'm sure there are others who feel the same way she did to some extent: that maybe I'm not doing what's best for me, that I'm going about it all wrong. So I guess I just wanted to put this sentiment out there...
I know when I'm being mistreated. I know where my limits are, and so far in this relationship, we haven't reached those limits. Maybe it doesn't always seem like I know what I'm doing. In fact, sometimes, I don't. But it's not about fortune telling, and it's not about always being in the right. It's about stopping at little oases along the way, asking myself if this is what I want. And the answer is and always has been, "yes."
I don't know where all of this is going to lead. I do know there is a certain cycle of negativity that needs to be unhinged, and it will be.
The only thing I am in control of is how I react to what happens next, and what happens after that. I cannot control whether or not I am in love.
And I am. And as long as I feel that it's worth it, I will continue to live according to what I feel is right not only for myself and my daughter, but for the person I love.
He is my Love, and he is my best friend, and as far as I can tell (and from what he has said and done), I am his. Like it or lump it. Even with the struggles and the bullshit, I still like it. And it's my relationship.
So there.