So, we're back from our little excursion to the Sahhth. Charleston, as always, was fabulously warm, dotted with palmettos, and overrun with tiny (and grown) little people who are forever doomed to having their surname misspelled, mispronounced, and in all ways generally questioned. Is that even a real name? Wasn't there a TV show in the early 90s about this family? No, Ms. Tor-BLA-sin would not like to donate to the Christian Coalition this year, or any year for that matter. Trip was great, lots of water, lots of kids, mayhem, and lots of adults looking around at the chaos, sipping glasses of chardonnay, and thinking, "What the hell did we get ourselves into?" Ah, but Dad would be proud. Laughing hysterically at the karmic kickbacks, but proud. Pictures will be uploaded to Flickr today, if I can get pull my head out of my ass long enough after WAKING UP AT FIVE AM AFTER WORKING UNTIL MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT, FRANTICALLY PACKING MADDIE'S SCHOOL SUPPLIES AND LUNCH, ONLY TO REALIZE SHE DOESN'T START SCHOOL UNTIL (are there any caps bigger than caps? SuperCaps? If so, imagine them here)...
TOMORRRRRRROOOOOWW.
This. This is why I spent the first six months of my child's life apologizing to her for having me as a mother.
She's over it. She's had a waffle for breakfast and is now happily slurping away on a red popsicle, watching Sesame Street, and trying to convince me that we really don't need to go to the grocery store today and maybe school sounds pretty good after all.
Bah. And Der.
On the plus side, some crazy chick I know got published this month. It's not as pretty as the print version, but still illustrates the point: people who write crappy blogs should not write articles about blogging. Or, Those Who Can't Do, Write About It.
Turn your attentions elsewhere:
Say, maybe to this book.
Or, maybe to this song, a brilliant example of why Christians should never, under any circumstances, be allowed to make music. Lil' Markie definitely earns my vote for Most Disturbing Song Ever, Most Creative Use of Helium, and maybe even (oh, what the hell) a nomination for The Most Fucked-Up Album You Could Ever Buy For Your Kid. I would seriously rather my child play Black Sabbath on endless repeat while perusing crystal meth cookbooks online than listen to this simultaneously horrifying and hilarious piece of... I don't even know what to call it. I'm so confused. Someone give me more coffee.
Oh, and before I forget (lest I disappoint)...
Big Chief Somethin Or Other Bad-Ass Hunter Military Boat Dude Vaughan Sutton wears girlie underoos, and the trick to defeating his Superpower (laser beam eyes, intended to melt the victim to a pile of green goo) is to:
a) be born with the last name of Thorvalson, and
b) deflect the lasers with equal parts SuperStareBackShield and Little Sister Sidekick Ducking Behind the Vehicle Laughing.
Open laughter is not recommended, unless you are COMPLETELY SURE that there is a little tiny space in BCSOOBAHMBDVS's heart for you, or, unless you have been issued a lifetime supply of Get Out of Jail Free cards, honored only with official proof of Thorvalson Family Membership (i.e., a marriage license, birth certificate, or any member of this family adopting you via verbal consent and/or Satanic ritual).
And of course, an enormous Happy 2nd Birthday to Miss "If My Name Ain't Southern, I Don't Know What Is", Miss Ayla Faye Sutton (pronunciation guide:
the apostrophe denotes a break in the voice, as in "Hawai'i"; AY-la FAY SUH'n). That nayme jus' maykes me wanna roll up mah jeenz, throw a tarp in the back o' Uncle Mike's pickup, let out the wahter hose 'n fill 'er up 'n have a ball, y'all. Amen. Praise Jesus. Buy American.
Editor's note to Sir: Consider yourself initiated. Pleasure to have you in the fam. Please don't hurt us. We're nice folk, really.
This entry brought to you by the makers of Maxwell House coffee and Nicoderm. Not because I talked to them or they gave me consent or money or anything, but for obvious reasons. Don't sue me.
Sgt. Gen. Supermommy, reporting for duty. Over and out.
Posted by stephanie at September 1, 2005 08:30 AM