Okay, I'm back. Not that any of you noticed I was gone. For those of you (ahem, Tracey, ahem, Mom) who did notice (but only by the mysterious lack of daily phone calls), Time Warner Cable hath forsaken me once again. I love you, Time Warner Cable, I really do. You provide me multiple services at a reasonably hiked rate, conveniently rolled into one tree-saving bill, lowering my phone bills from their previous $100+/month plateau to a more sustainable $40/month (free long distance!), allowing me to save those extra pennies to donate to post-Katrina victims, maybe fund a memorial for the people who took over Flight 93 on 9/11, and do my duty as a socially-conscious consumer and buy those cute little politically-correct holiday greeting cards from Unicef. In other words, Save The Planet. God bless you, Time Warner Cable. Really. It's so nice of your gold-digging executives to provide meager citizens like myself an opportunity to spend our "leftover savings" on humanitarian causes (which, it goes without saying, you could afford to multiply exponentially yourselves... but that's another topic) while you use the earnings to buy more SUVs. Truly outstanding work. Give that Tom down in marketing another raise.
BUT.
When two of my three services DON'T WORK, I have a problem. Last time this happened (only about a month ago), it was my television. Certain cable channels went all wonky berserko, and I was stuck with Fox News channels and the Food Network. While intensely annoying, I still had my internet to satiate my American need for constant entertainment, amusement, flashing lights and buzzing noises. You came, you saw, and you fixed it, and the sun shone down on my humble abode once more.
Then... two days ago. Oh, the humanity. Time Warner Cable, you TOOK AWAY MY ABILITY TO CONNECT WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD. You essentially robbed me of my inherent need, as both a human and a FEMALE one, to communicate to those around me every asinine detail of my mundane existence. Oh, heavy day. My daughter is in school for the first time in her life, my boyfriend is closing the bar EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK, my best friend is driving a sparkling (almost) new PT Cruiser home from Florida on my favorite cross-country roads and therefore unavailable to patiently listen to every melodrama that unfolds in my laundry, I've started a new THIRD job, and I CAN'T FUCKING COMMUNICATE.
It is estimated that women speak, on average, several thousand words more per day than men, which can only lead me to assume that a man caused the havoc wreaked upon my household these last two days. I know digital phone is relatively new and there may be some kinks to work out, but please. Please please PLEASE: You can take away my phone. You can take away my internet. BUT DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DO BOTH AT THE SAME TIME.
Or else I will be forced to post entries like this. And believe me (somehow I believe you will): this hurts me infinitely more than it hurts you.
Posted by stephanie at September 13, 2005 11:27 AM