thorvalson.net : babble ether

Fishing around for that peace in the pond.

Well, she's grounded now. Is it just me, or does anyone else have a hard time getting their five year old to be conscious of the existence of other human beings? We've had a rough couple of days here at the Collective, and yesterday morning, Maddie was sweet as pie. Polite, well-mannered - all the things other people describe her as to us while we roll our eyes and think If only she'd carry these traits home with her.
We decided to reward her good behavior by allowing a few friends to come over.

Long story short, she broke just about every rule we have in this house - and there aren't many. Wasn't listening to Greg, kicked the dog in the head... After being told countless times to KEEP THE SAND IN THE SANDBOX, she built a castle directly underneath the sandbox on the ground (hoping I wouldn't see it there, I'm sure) and proceeded to THROW sand at the back of the house. Curses on your house! Phooey with this no mess business!

Of course this all happened when Mom wasn't looking. Think that makes me unable to punish her? Think again.

Today? The sandbox that Grandma gave her for her birthday? Gone.
Friends? Schmends. No company and no going to other people's houses for one week, during which time she needs to prove herself capable of respecting other people's property, not to mention, her own.
Toys in her room? Anything not put away by the time I have to leave for work (in about an hour) will be confiscated for the next week, to be given back to her in small increments once I can trust her not to leave everything out for the dog to consume.

In the meantime, I will be spending my spare (ha!) time working with Greg to come up with a Stephke Collective Constitution. Rules of the house, followed by consequences. Everything drawn up in ink, so that the next time she whines "I'M SORRRRRY!", I can say to her, "You know the rule. It's right there, followed by a prescribed flogging should you break said rule. Now bend over."

I hate this shit. I'm not a negative reinforcement kind o' gal. I'm all about rewarding good behavior, and talking about the bad behavior. Not so strict in the punishment department, per se. Greg would love it if we could have, say, a former POW/respected veteran come over here and show her how it's done. I'm always afraid of scaring her, hurting her feelings, breaking her spirit, and all that other crap you hear about on Oprah (which, yes, I watched religiously while she was a baby). It would seem that my method of punishment (or lack of) has not really done much for her in the Respect department. The attitude she's developed lately has been, "Well, you'll love me anyway, and I know you won't do anything too terrible to me if I do x, so.... let's have a party!" And that's not cool with either of us.

Greg feels stuck in the middle, wanting to discipline her but reluctant to do so because of the inevitable come-back which will happen sooner than later, I'm sure: "You're not my REEEEAL dad!"; she senses his hesitation and takes advantage. I encourage him to work with me in disciplining her, but get jumpy if discipline includes yelling because I grew up with a Yelling Dad and the result on my end was fear, which eventually led to balls-out rebellion once I figured out he couldn't literally, legally, tie me up in the basement. I don't want any of us to go through that.

If we can come up with a solution that both involves punishment (taking away fun activities) and respects her (we can't very well tell her, "No Yelling in This House," then proceed with the yelling when she breaks a rule), everyone will be happier for it.

Suggestions and support are most welcome.

Posted by stephanie at August 15, 2006 09:11 AM