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Tales of Indie Love Gone Fishin': I'm Gonna Go Cry in My Flowers Now

I wish he came with a fast-forward button that I could push and release when he gets to the level of self-respect that will enable me to trust him again. And how long will that time span be? After everything that's taken place over the last six months, am I waiting? Holy shit, I'm waiting. Sometimes I get the feeling that nursing school is just an excuse to keep me busy until he gets his shit together, and a Plan B for my own self-preservation in case he never does.

An exciting, fulfilling, motivating, eventually moderately- to well-compensated excuse. Much to my benefit, yes, but how pathetic is it to feel as though an enormous portion of your life, despite all evidence to the contrary, is still ultimately revolving around one particular person? I'm living "on my own", "single", no longer "in a relationship" or anyone'se "partner", but despite the paradigm shift in language and living arrangements, which box I check on the census, he's still with me in spirit. So I just avoid the whole subject of love and its place in my life, I tell people I'm "finehowareyou", say a bunch of shit about how he has to wakethefuckupandgetittogether and how it's notmyconcernanymore and Ihavetomoveon, but when I go home at night, there he is, tucked safely away in my memory and thoughts and I lovingly keep him clean and shiny in case someone ever breathes the magic back into him again that breaks the spell and conjures him back into my life. Just to feel as though he's here.

So in that sense, nursing school is just a way of avoiding everything else that's going on. "Everything else" meaning, of course, "the stuff that really matters." And yes, nursing matters. And yes, it matters very much to me personally. And yes, I know this is the right thing for us now, and I know I'm on the right path in terms of my career. But if I can't even get past using the word "us" and get into the singular - if I can't even change my vernacular, how the fuck am I supposed to change my heart.

I don't want to fucking change it. So there.