...be they friend, fowl, French, female, or filamentous:
Dear Sir/Madam/Feminine Massage Device/Mold in My Fridge:
I've been doing some thinking lately regarding my personal life. Partially because, well, what the hell else is there to do in my free time (which I don't have much of, hence the casual, free-form tone of this letter), and also because, as a Woman In My Thirties, I have grown to worship at the altar of the almighty List. Plus, I read it in O Magazine.
In the past, I've been somewhat breezy when it comes to selecting a mate, a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, go-with-the-gut sort of gal. If it felt good, then what the hell. Which isn't to say that I'm now opting for the methodical, if-it-sucks-I-must-deserve-it approach, either.
Sir/Madam/etc., I've grown up. I deserve this time of reflection, followed perhaps by a brief period of casual dating, before making any leaps of faith or sexual libido (did you know that women reach their sexual peak around age 35? T-minus 5 years. Remember that). But if you happen to come across my path at a time in which I am more receptive to the idea of opening up my chest cavity for another potential round of This Is Your Heart; This Is Your Heart Cut Up in Little Pieces and Served Steaming Back to You Served in a Creme Brulee With a Side of Fuck You, it would behoove the both of us to keep the following parameters in mind.
1. Don't be crazy. I'm all for dark humor and a little inappropriate laughter here and there (please do), but let's draw the line at pathological reliance upon defense mechanisms. For further information, please refer to any decent nursing textbook, Chapter: Fucked Up Things People Do When They've Lost It, and use that as your list of "don't"s. Clause: If you are crazy, please notify me of this verbally or in writing immediately after introduction. Example: "Hi! My name is John, and I'm TOTALLY NUTS." Present documentation where applicable.
2. Please don't be an alcoholic. I'm no prude, but let's not go overboard. I realize this is a lot to ask from The Drunkest City in the Nation, but a girl can dream, can't she? Related: please don't smoke. I completely expect you to indulge me in my occasional bad social habits, but I don't want to be tempted back into full-time status. Plus, you'll smell better and be able to spoil me longer.
3. I travel light and am usually a cheap date, but I've been lucky enough to be spoiled a number of times. Do take me out for a kick ass dinner every once in a while. I'm rough around the edges, but I purty up nice. The better the food and wine, the better the sex will be, but you'd better make it tonight because I'll be gassy in the morning.
4. Multi-media, excessive communication runs in my veins. You will not change this. In fact, if you don't love it, it's best we just part ways here and now.
5. Like sex? Me, too.
6.
Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: "But I'm already a grown up..."
Get it wrong? Let's just be friends.
7. It's gonna be a while before I let you anywhere near my kid, but you should know that evaluation of you as a potential step-parent is effective immediately. Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in the court of Mom. Be good.
8. Be really smart, so we have fun things to debate about. Know the difference between debate and arguing.
9. Did I mention the sex part yet?
10. Be cute, but don't have more hair care products than I do. Keep in mind that I think Shane MacGowan is cute, and he's missing half his teeth.
11. WTF, OMG, u r sxy: if u text me like this, I will shove ur cell phone up ur ass. In fact, don't text me. In my generation, people talk to each other. Using real words that come out of their mouths. I cannot be responsible for what might happen to you should you actually speak in this non-language.
12. While we're on the subject of language, I believe there is no more versatile or visceral word in the English language than "fuck". If you don't like this word or any other of the four-letter variety, cover your ears and back slowly away.
13. While we're on the subject of beliefs, I consider myself an atheist with a good sense of spirituality. And I'm pro-choice. You don't have to believe what I do, but if you can't be cool with my friends - which are mostly African-Mexican hermaphroditic dwarves who voted for Nader - then we have a problem.
14. I like to laugh. Hard and often.
15. If you just happen to be a financially stable, brilliant but humble parent with a kid or two of your own, a successful doctor (medical or otherwise), and cheese and beer connaisseur who loves both Fugazi and my mom, I wouldn't cry. You're probably considerably older than me, but won't condescend or hold this against me. I won't hold it against you. Unless it's really funny.
16. I'm a little creepy sometimes. As my partner, you will be both creeped and amazed, and love this.
17. You cannot love anyone unless you love yourself. Above all, know this. Do this. Be this.
I do not anticipate these parameters changing much, ever, but additional amendments are possible, whether for further specification or my own twisted amusement. Applications available upon request or whenever I feel like it, whichever comes later. Please be prepared with at least 3 references and any applicable medical records, divorce papers, court orders, etc. If you have a considerable pile, there may be enough kindling to get me through next winter without paying the heat bill.
Sincerely,
Stephanie Jo
Oh goodness I laughed so hard at this because it's all so true.