Getting close to back to school time for me. This whole Spring Break! thing has thrown me for a bit of a loop. The time alone at home has been good - no doubt about that - but I'm having a bit of a hard time being here this much, alone, without studying to do. It's all for the best, and there are a lot of positive things I've enjoyed about it, but it's hard being in this town and bumping into people and hearing things I don't necessarily want to hear regarding my former partner and feeling this sort of internal tug of war. Part of me will always love him and feel obligated to stand up for him. And then there's this other, increasingly louder, part of me that says he's an adult and has to come to terms with himself and who he is as a person before there's any hope of him moving forward in any semblance of an honest direction, and what the fuck business of mine is it anymore, anyway. I'm sorry to get all personal on here - I usually avoid this kind of post - but I'm feeling a bit like a fish out of water and am surprisingly anxious to get back into school. I'm doing my best to move on - I even asked someone out on a date - two different people, actually, one of them female - not so much because I'm ready to move on (I'm not, really), but as an attempt to just get out and be sociable, enjoy the company of another human being without necessarily having the weight of an impending "RELATIONSHIP" waiting in the wings. Which isn't to say I'm looking for one night stands, either. I'm just looking for the old school, I guess. The nice dinner out with someone, maybe a touching of hands and a sweet kiss goodnight - and that's it.
I've been told by a woman far wiser than me (my mother) that the best thing to do when you don't know what to do is to stay put. We tell our children, "If you ever get lost, stay where you are. Don't move." And I am trying my best to do that, but at the same time, stretching my arms out a bit and feeling around for the next direction to go in professionally, personally, sexually, artistically... and trying to just accept where I am right now, wherever I may be or whatever that may mean. There are so many arrows just shooting out of me in so many directions, in so many capacities of my life, and I guess it's just a new juxtaposition, another new chapter, and I'm so fucking scared sometimes and other times not giving a shit at all, just hoping to bump into like-minded people who are happy just being themselves, no matter how flawed, moving forward and struggling and grappling and bouncing and flopping on the sand just like you and me and everyone else who's not too chickenshit to admit it.
'Be patient' is very good advice, but the waiting makes me curious...
Posted by: tracey gessner at April 28, 2008 08:59 AM