thorvalson.net : babble ether

Tales of Indie Love Gone Fishin': I'm Gonna Go Cry in My Flowers Now

I wish he came with a fast-forward button that I could push and release when he gets to the level of self-respect that will enable me to trust him again. And how long will that time span be? After everything that's taken place over the last six months, am I waiting? Holy shit, I'm waiting. Sometimes I get the feeling that nursing school is just an excuse to keep me busy until he gets his shit together, and a Plan B for my own self-preservation in case he never does.

An exciting, fulfilling, motivating, eventually moderately- to well-compensated excuse. Much to my benefit, yes, but how pathetic is it to feel as though an enormous portion of your life, despite all evidence to the contrary, is still ultimately revolving around one particular person? I'm living "on my own", "single", no longer "in a relationship" or anyone'se "partner", but despite the paradigm shift in language and living arrangements, which box I check on the census, he's still with me in spirit. So I just avoid the whole subject of love and its place in my life, I tell people I'm "finehowareyou", say a bunch of shit about how he has to wakethefuckupandgetittogether and how it's notmyconcernanymore and Ihavetomoveon, but when I go home at night, there he is, tucked safely away in my memory and thoughts and I lovingly keep him clean and shiny in case someone ever breathes the magic back into him again that breaks the spell and conjures him back into my life. Just to feel as though he's here.

So in that sense, nursing school is just a way of avoiding everything else that's going on. "Everything else" meaning, of course, "the stuff that really matters." And yes, nursing matters. And yes, it matters very much to me personally. And yes, I know this is the right thing for us now, and I know I'm on the right path in terms of my career. But if I can't even get past using the word "us" and get into the singular - if I can't even change my vernacular, how the fuck am I supposed to change my heart.

I don't want to fucking change it. So there.

Nursing Nerdity, Part Three

#1 problem right now: procrastination. Go figure. There's a study group meeting at 11:00 this morning to go over test questions in preparation for our final. Helpful, yes, would love to go, but not sure how helpful it will be seeing as I'm a bit behind in the reading. It may end up being more confusing than anything, trying to cram too much information in all at once. I'm hoping once I'm done playing catch up (which I get the feeling will be in, oh, 16 months), the study groups will be a regular gig.
My first big test of the semester is Monday, which is also Maddie's birthday. The test is on the first 15 chapters of a nursing text. I vented my frustration regarding this to my friend Ann, who is a teacher, and she replied, "That's not effective teaching."
Ya know, that's kinda what I thought, too (note heavy sarcasm), but there we have it: verification from the field.
Saw Greg a few days ago and he says I "need to RE-LAAAAAAAAAX." He's got a point.

Nursing Nerdity, Part Two

I'm finding that as long as I have absolutely no reminders of what is going on outside the world of nursing school, I'm fine. When I'm in class, or just in the library or nursing lab studying, I am completely fulfilled in what I'm doing and have little to no distracting thoughts. It's when I remember there's an internet on which I can write whatever I want and a place called the Cactus Club where I can see really good local music and a place called the Palm where I have friends and good, occasionally complimentary wine that I tend to drift away from the ten-hours-a-day of reading that my current schedule seems to require.

*Sigh*

Nursing Nerdity

One of my classes requires that I write a reflective essay at the end of this semester about my experiences in nursing school thus far. Rather than carry yet another notebook around in which to jot my thoughts and experiences, I am going to utilize the blog. Two birds, one stone. You get (hopefully) interesting things to read while procrastinating on important stuff, and I get to have a dated, time stamped, organized record of my experiences to aid in writing the paper. While not nerdy in the traditional sense (I'll save the technical jargon, questions, and concerns for MyFriendTheDoctor, Paul - congratulations, Paul! Bet you can't wait), it might be helpful for other nursing students seeking validation of their impending nervous breakdowns, not to mention, family and friends of mine who are wondering whether or not to intervene.

For those of you who can do without feeeeelings, the handy "Nursing Nerdity" title will serve to warn you of subsequent dribblydrool.

Thus, this.

Winter Semester, 2008 Class Load: Nursing Funamentals (theory + clinical), Microbiology, Growth and Development Across the Lifespan, Anatomy and Physiology II.

Chapter Count (to read for next week): 12 for Theory, 3 for Clinical, 7 for Micro, 4 for Lifespan, 2 for A&P.

1/2way through 2nd wk. Everything so far is what I expected: extremely intense (new reality tv show: EXTREME NURSING SCHOOL!). Breaking readings into more manageable blocks as much as possible, taking books w/ me everywhere. Last day of 2nd job is tomorrow - should relieve some pressure. Putting feelers out, trying to ID who will be helpful to me in the coming months and who I need to ignore. Lots of cattiness among some women, reminiscent of high school. Trying to separate those who are there out of genuine passion & desire to help, be of service, care for others, from those who read about nursing shortage and thought: quick and easy way to get a "real" job with higher pay and "benefits". Seeking out former, avoiding latter. Mental tape on repeat: "I am totally Fugazi on this shit. I ain't fuckin' around." Under pressure, but not overwhelmed yet (stress "yet"). Motivated, inspired, curious, confident, wanting to absorb as much as possible. Loving Micro, not so much loving Lifespan (love material, like instructor, not so much liking the afore-mentioned "latter" group of students - hoping natural selection will kick in after current semester). Found Sat. study group focused on ATI/NCLEX; will attend beg. 1/26. Went to informal study group this morning, practicing skills to be tested on next wk. Spoke to friend in same program closer to graduation: reciprocal encouragement, venting. Study groups @ school = good. Studying @ school = too much distraction. Note to self: read/study @ home.
Feeling good.

One Class. This Many Books.

Back to the drawing board, folks! See ya Spring Break (crushing beer can on forehead, beating belly with open hand, belching loudly in a manner that suggests mixture of air and fluid in said belch).